Lies: Life Lesons

Fun Fact: I sometimes fail miserably at writing frequently, and writing those things which I say I will.

True Story: So I'm guessing at this point you've realized that I have not written a segment of a short story yet.... Sorry, I know everyone is devastated. What I can offer as a compilation prize is really rather good. I've got good stories to share.


Let us first start with establishing this: I'm not exactly what one would call "a wild and crazy guy." I often joke that I'm a 70 year old man trapped in the body of a 22 year old.  It's a treacherous existence, I promise.  I'm cantankerous, judgmental, and really disapprove of most youth shenanigans.  On occasion though, I have been known to go out and enjoy myself with my friends at an establishment which makes a majority of its revenues from alcohol. Yes my friends, I'm speaking of the glorious places we affectionately refer to as bars.

One evening last weekend myself and two friends decided to go to such a place and have a drink or two, but unbeknownst to us the night had different plans for us.  Minding our own business, a gentleman strikes up a conversation with us and introduces to his wife.  I use the terms "gentleman" and "wife" in the vaguest and loosest of senses because this man proceeds to tell us how he has been shot four times, stabbed twice, and in prison for ten years.  Be jealous of the company I keep, it's OK I don't blame you. During our conversation, the women which was with this man made a comment about how she felt old.  My friend, we'll call him this for the time being until he gets me killed, makes a quick quip about how she must only be 25 or so, she obviously isn't, in the best taste of chivalry, which if it wasn't dead before it will be at this rate.

What happened in the following moments were some of the most frightening of my life.  The woman asked her "hubby" if she could give my friend a kiss for being so kind and he agreed, but not before stretching his arm across the bar, pointing a finger in my friend's face, and stating, "No tongue!" The three of us chuckled uneasily, and the woman proceeded to walk around the bar, grab my friend's face, and lay a big ol' smooch on him right in front of us all.  Everyone kind of laughed and thought nothing of it until we turned to look at the ex-con sitting to my immediate left. To say that this man was upset would be completely wrong, and angry wouldn't detail just how enraged this man was at the moment.  The man then got up from his seat and walked out of the bar while leaving his life behind with us.

My thoughts at that time were: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!! I'M GOING TO GET STABBED BECAUSE MY BUDDY MADE AT WITH SOME GUY'S WIFE!!!!! HE'S BEEN STABBED EIGHT TIMES AND SHOT ELEVEN TIMES!! HE'S BEEN IN JAIL FOR FOURTEEN YEARS AND JUST GOT OUT!!!!!!!!!

The man reentered the bar. He looked around and made eye contact with me, and then walked straight to where I was sitting.  I braced myself for the knife blade that was going to enter my side. Closed my eyes so I wouldn't have to see the blood. Nothing.  No stab, not so much as a pin prick.  I opened my eyes to see the woman escorting her husband out of the bar and home.

So needless to say, I almost died at the hands of an escaped serial killer who was shot seventeen times, stabbed a dozen times and served twenty years of a four life sentences.

I hope everyone is doing well and staying warm and getting ready for some grubbin' on Thanksgiving! Everyone make sure to carbo load on Thursday so you have the energy needed to fight your way to the top on Black Friday.