A Little Christmas Tradition

I'll be completely honest from the get go of this blog. What I've written is personal and open. It's written in a stream of consciousness that is a bit frayed at this point.

Twas the night before Christmas....

How many times have we heard this intro? Normally this is followed by a nice account of a jolly, fat man delivering presents to children around the world. My version follows a slightly different path.

Christmas Eve for a lot of folks is a time of great memories and merriment as the spend time with family and loved ones. This hallowed day has taken a new twist for my family in recent years. Yes, we spend Christmas Eve in one of the many emergency rooms in the area. As I write, I'm actually at an ED (they prefer emergency department now over room) writing this blog on my cell phone as we wait for the results of a CAT scan.

The back story is this: I've written before how my Mum is fighting Breast Cancer for the second time. This time around it has metastasized in her bone marrow effecting her red blood cell and platelet numbers. That has made it very difficult for her to do a lot of activities because of the amount of movement required for them.  Recently we discovered that her Breast Cancer has spread to her stomach which brought us here today.

Last year we spent Christmas Eve in another ED due to a broken tibia and fibula that my Pop experienced after a fall. My Pop, being the discerning man that he is, asked that we take him to Jewish Hospital because he wanted to be sure the staffs would be there on Christmas.

So here we are, Christmas Eve in a hospital room lit not by a tree and lights, but by EKGs and IV machines. It might seem bizarre to some when I say this time is the most concerned I've ever been going to a hospital. My Pop has undergone surgeries to remove great portions of his large and small intestines, to have vertebraes fused together, and to have entire heart valves replaced. But that never really fazed me much. I always had a sense that the man was invincible, that regardless what happened he would walk away from it like he had every other time. My mom has always been the rock in our family, and in a thousand lifetimes I could never repay her for what she has done for my father and me. I'm concerned about and for her.

I'm going to put into writing a conversation I've had with myself dozens of times and possibly once or twice with other people. At what point does this culmination of unfortunate circumstances become too much? When does breaking down happen and why? How long can someone continue to presist with these things placed on their shoulders? They're answers I'm afraid to know or acknowledge. My Pop told me that when things first got difficult for him he adopted a simple credo, "Do the next thing," and it reminds me a lot of Tennyson's "Charge of the Light Brigade" where he writes, "Theirs not to reason why, Theirs but to do or die."

So that's what we do, that's what I do. Keep pushing forward. To stop to think or reason is to invite the opportunity to quit. Life isn't just, but we can do our best to make outcomes favorable for ourselves while living a decent way.

I hope everyone this holiday season has taken the time to let the ones they love know that they do. Please, I ask one simple favor of you if you haven't, make sure that they know you care for them sincerely.

OK, I lied, I have two favors to ask. If you see me around, don't ask me how I'm doing or how I've been because I don't want to reflect. My Mum is still in the hospital and waiting to her from her oncologist on Tuesday. With any luck we'll have a few more answers then and a course of action. I hope everyone had a great Christmas and are looking forward to a bright New Years.

drh

The Autobiography

I don't want to come off as an arrogant prick or pretend anyone really cares, but I'm taking the blog back to what it was originally intended for: airing out my life.

A substantial portion of my life is led in full view of everyone to see.  I don't hold many punches so pretty much what you see is what you'll end up receiving.  Either I'm a foolish man for allowing so much of my personal life to be on display for the world to view, or that's the course of leading an open and honest life.  I don't pretend to have an answer or to be righteous about these things.  I refuse to make excuses for myself or others but will undoubtedly give anyone the benefit of a doubt.  I spread my time between a fair number of people who all enjoy different things and live unique lives.  I live an open and honest life because by spending time with each of these people, I can share a particular portion of my life with them in an intense way that I couldn't with majority of other people.

Over the course of time this has brought up bizarre charges of being false and insincere with people I know or talk with, yet I'd argue the exact opposite is true.  I can never, nor will I ever, attempt or pretend to be someone which I'm not.  I'm content with where I am and understand that each day brings new lessons and growth for me. For the most part I'm secure being on my own, and don't necessarily need to have someone else in my life.  So when it's said that I'm being false with those around me, I'm baffled.  I much rather share a very personal and distinct memory with those people around me, and I'd like to think my friends who have known me for a long time feel the same.

In a lot of ways this particular blog is an autobiography.  Not one with dates and stories, but a self reflection of  what someone is comprised of in the short and long term.  I have a need to talk to people openly and honestly, to provide them with my sincere opinion and thoughts, and listen to what it is they have to say.  Yeah, yeah, sounds great and wonderful.  I don't write these things for appearance because what's the point? Eleven people may end up reading to this point of the blog, so I'm not searching for public opinion.  I write these things to be able to say this: I am socially awkward. Dreadfully, painfully, and clandestinely awkward. In the most social situations I haven't the slightest idea how to behave or act regardless if it's one on one interaction or a bar with hundreds.  The go to for this kind of problem is a sense of humor, and the ability to laugh at yourself.  A second practice used for the socially awkward is to tell good stories because these can be memorized and rehearsed for effect.  Lastly, I try to be as genuine as possible because I'm not sure how else to handle myself.

I'm paraphrasing something which I read recently (I can't remember what or by who, naturally) but by striving for the ideal of which we can be we are able to achieve what we're capable of in reality. Everyone has an option or choice they can make: Invest yourself wholly into whatever it is you're doing, or master the ability to multitask.  The world needs both people and there's a place for everyone, but those people driven by a single ambition push the world forward as the multitaskers make the world operate.  Myself, I'm a multitasker to my center, but I envy those which have that fire which burns at their core.

Let me tie up the lose strings so I can let you get back to your day/night.  People may want you to think you can be apathetic in your life and just go through the motions. Not me, no longer. I must live my life like I'm trying to obtain that ideal.  I must live a life in which I multitask my jobs and responsibilities so that I can allow my friends to be driven by a singularity of purpose.  We live in a world and a time which the success of one person can be set by themselves, but requires the efforts of everyone around them. Now, PHOTO MONTAGE!!!!!!!! (Sorry for it not being more inclusive, apparently I'm not very photogenic).

Left: Old School, Luke and I senior year of high school

Right: Had to dig an old one up, Tess and I at a wedding.... for someone.... not sure who

Roadtrip Partner! Trina and I

Ben, Krista and I with a cameo of my ranger hat

College roommates Dave and MJCIII

There's a strong chance we were separated at birth, months apart. Andy Mike and I

Hope everyone is doing well and that the weather isn't causing too many problems for everyone. I'm shut down from lifting for probably at least a week because of a strained back. The key now is to not miss work.